New Beginnings

20170701_112319I have been absent yet again the last few. I have had lots on my mind and big decisions made. I am hoping this doesn’t backfire on me big time. I am making some pretty major changes in my life in hopes that things will finally settle down and I can get to where I want to go. It’s amazing how time changes everything and how 1 person can affect your life so much. I am finally coming to terms with what happened in May and it’s just shitty. Shitty that a person could do that to another. No matter how unfair it was, the reality remains. I can gladly say I have not had a single drop to drink in a week. As much as Jack has helped me to at least sleep those nights I couldn’t, I am past it now.

I have only done that two other times in my life, use alcohol as a means to deal: My grandfathers death, and when I was raped in the military. This time I didn’t drink like I had in the past, just enough to deal and pass out and sleep. I need to deal with it, and I have. Sad to say, “This isn’t the first time”.

Good news is, I am starting to get my fire back. I have things that I am looking forward to now other than just another day off to sleep. Work has become a ground hog day, school is about the same as always and my friends, well, are all in relationships leaving me the dust. Those are the moments that I realize how much it sucks to be single. Seems to be the hardest part at this moment. Third wheel syndrome I call it. Your friends wanna do things with their significant other, yet don’t want to make you feel not included. Disaster let me tell you.  Then it always turns into, “I know someone”…..oh boy, last time that happened, I had that boy haunt me for months. All I know is, the right one will come when I am ready and I’m FINALLY getting there. Time heals all and life is nothing more than perspective.

To close this little note, I am hoping the next time I write it will be filled with awesome, amazing news. Progress has been made and that I am grateful for.  I am so looking forward to this next step and where my journey will take me. Until then, smile, explore and always take the scenic route.

27 June 2017 – The Journey isn’t About the Destination

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Listening to:  Cody Johnson ” It’s Amazing”

Wounds, with time heal. With care, they begin to close. I am learning there is no time limit when it comes to this process, it’s on going. Rushing through will cause more damage. I have tried rushing this process. I have had that scab ripped off causing it to become a fresh wound yet again, increasing the size of my scar. I am accepting that it’s ok to cry, ok to mourn, until you are ready to move on.

I tried dating too soon. I wanted to fill the void. I wanted to feel wanted, needed. All it did was cause confusion, and created a deeper wound. Instead of finding my footing, I got the rug pulled out from under me. I now was feeding the monsters that already made me feel unwanted. Once I realized that all I was doing was avoiding, I backed off. I accepted. I accepted that I am hurting, that as uncomfortable as it is, it’s a very necessary process. I started writing, holding myself accountable, even if no one reads this, I have to get this out. These are the thoughts I hold in around others. Maybe out of fear, out of judgement, but they are felt non the less.  That’s the entire point of this, is to say it. To give those thoughts a chance to be felt, and validated.

I have driven 600 miles the last 2 days. 600 miles of me getting into myself, and getting to the very core of me. I have taken the most amazing photos.

I have found the beauty in them all. Nature, like us, has many different faces, moods. One areas rains, and others, there are colors so vivid, bright. Hard to believe that 100 miles difference the sunset for one looks completely different than the sunset of another. Like life, one day is not like any other, and not everyone sees the same skies. Nature has taught me a lot, the open road is helping me to accept the journey. The journey is not about the destination, it’s everything in between that gives meaning, purpose.

26 June 2017 – In My Heart’s a Memory

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“Whiskey and You” Chris Stapleton

This is my view….the past, the present. My wedding ring, given to me 13 years ago, and my late night friend. I never used to drink. I didn’t start drinking until November. I don’t drink a lot, nor do I drink everyday, but it seems like I sleep better after a good tune and a glass of Jack. He helps me feel what I need to, for what it is, with no words, no judgement. Once the song is over, the glass is empty, I lay my head down and look to God to get me to another day, another chance. Some days it’s hard to not feel like a complete disappointment. I have been a seasaw of emotions over the last year trying to deal with the death of my mother, my divorce, getting through school and my ex having my children full time. I lost a lot. I remember driving away, with my things in bags, crying a cry that only comes from a broken soul. I knew life in that moment would NEVER be the same again. I had no where to go, no family around. I cried for months, bargaining with God to have my marriage work, to let him love me again. Every rejection, every fuck you just broke me even more. All I had were the pictures of memories. I cried, wishing things would go back to the way they were.

Fast forward a year later, I look at those same pictures and see something completely different. I see a girl that loved a man that loved himself. I see fake smiles putting on a show, I see the sparkle gone in my eye. I see those moments now for what they really are, not the fantasy of a memory that never existed in the way I imagined. Amazing the lies we tell ourselves to justify being treated like shit. For the first time in a long time, I can say I saw my marriage for what it was. It’s the Allan Jackson song, “Remember When”, we just didn’t make it to the other side.

22 June 2017 Johnny Cash and Whiskey Breath

Listening to Johnny Cash “God’s Gonna Cut You Down”

Hot Texas day, nothing like ending it with some Johnny and Jack.

I wish this wonderful journey of mine would come with a damn map. Yet again, at a crossroads, I am not sure which direction to go. I have been pulled, stretched so thin, I have no idea what it is up or down at this point. My career stuff is going really well… I just need to start making bigger waves. I am a little too content and I need to push myself more.

I realized that I haven’t written in a few days, nor am I writing the way I have traditionally, but today is just a day that I am everywhere and no where. I have had three days off from school and a day off from work and I find myself lost in the company of an old friend.

I am just frustrated mainly. I am frustrated with myself. Self reflection moment brings me not knowing who in the hell I am. I never used to drink, now I do…I never did a lot of things that I do now. What the hell. I used to be a home body and now I can’t sit still…. I have to constantly be going, doing something. I think it’s to take my mind off the loneliness of it all. I am lonely, and yet I am choosing to be. I am truly terrified of getting hurt again. I am terrified that I will be left standing, watching, as I am replaced. This divorce really fucked up my view on a lot of things with relationships. I have had two relationships since the split and man, that really didn’t help either. Why is this so difficult? Why in the hell am I so damn guarded? I haven’t had the best relationships with men throughout my life, I get that, but you can’t blame the whole world for a few bad apples. I want to get over this damn fear….this weight that holds me down. I need to learn to lighten up and not be so guarded. Hard to do since I have done it all my life. Maybe the next part of my journey is starting to let go of the hurt from my deep past, my childhood.  Good thing I have Johnny and Jack to keep me company on this next part of the trip, cause it’s going to be a hell of a bumpy ride.

 

19 June 2017- an Bogha Báistí

Listening to Eurielle “Carry Me”

Dispersion of light, from the heaviest of storms, produces the most vibrant colors against the darkest of grays. The treasures that lie at the end of this rainbow make you rich in life, not gold.

Storms cleanse and refresh. Though unpleasant, it’s necessary that we go through them. How else can you dance in the rain? I always looked at rainbows as a peace offering, as a smile from God to say there is still beauty in the darkest of times.

My life has had it’s fair share of storms. It’s hell going through it all but, once the sun is out, you look back, and the colors that paint the sky give a sense of accomplishment. If it weren’t for the storms, we wouldn’t grow, we wouldn’t change. My perspective matures. Kind words grow during frustrations, tears result in strength, a broken heart brings comfort to the world. It’s in these times that defines us. We show the world that we are one of two kinds, Victors or Victims. Victors push through, no matter how hard it gets, to get to where they want to go. They will continue until it’s accomplished. Victims give up,  excuse,  and become the villain of their own story.
I have chosen to be a victor. I am a survivor. I will continue forward and will only look back to admire the rainbow and smile upon my victory.

 

18 June 2017- Maro

I have a date today.  Unfamiliar and terrifying, bold lips mask the unsure, resistant part of me hoping to boost confidence. Who is this date? Maro.

It’s time to go home, time to face the music. Why is this so terrifying? I am facing the person that I damaged, the person who’s heart I broke. Maro looked to me to love, cherish and keep them safe. I am the one who stood idle while others attacked, I walked away when they needed me most. I had affairs with others who said the words I wanted to hear. I have said unkind words, lost faith in, and completely blew off responsibilities.  I know nothing about the person I am trying to rekindle a relationship with. I know only the glimpses of what they chose to share. I’m hoping to see all of them, the monsters, scars, pain, joy, and the fire. I know this time around, I will appreciate Maro for who they are.  Maro is the only love I have ever needed. I have searched miles far and wide for the love that needed to happen in the mirror. Amazing how uncomfortable it is to look into the eyes of the person you tore down for so many years. I hope, after today, Maro and I can have good conversation, forgive each other and fall asleep with hopes of when we see each other in the morning, we can look at each other and smile.

(Maro is Japanese for myself).

17 June 2017 – Sailboats and No Wind

Oceans wide and deep have nothing in comparison to the depths of pain in my soul. Einstein states that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting different results….so what’s the point of it all? It’s an endless game, different opponents, with the exact same results. Little by little you get torn apart, closed in, and broken just a bit more. Bitterness replaces butterflies and we cage in the very thing that gives absolute meaning to everything. Loneliness crawls into your bed, and leaves you a cold reality. Thunderstorms of tears flood the pillow of dreams and desires. Investments with no real gain, the mind plays parent to the heart that lacks insight. Confused, rejected, you’ve become a sailboat stuck with no wind. You began a journey to a destination that has no direction, no place on a map. Ashes from previous lives scatter everywhere, while you stand nowhere. Homeless, you search for a place that feels familiar….has meaning. Maybe the curse in life is to have a mind that doesn’t trust the heart. Leading my soul in the war of finding me, it becomes empty conquests. Battered, bruised, broken. The heart has a cage for a reason….for as beautiful as it is…the romance with hope as become a toxic relationship of shattered souls.

16 June 2017 – Boots in a Bar

Cigar in one hand, Jack in the other, steel toes and Miss Me….I was just a pair of boots in a bar. Closed off and cold, I sat at a table and observed the workings of relationships, toasts for celebrations and laughs between friends. I realized then, how much I close myself off from the world at times. It has become my dark paradise.

Fear and doubt have taken seats next to me. Fear tells me that everyone leaves, doubt says their words are lies. As I listen, looking at the scars upon my heart, I am reminded of the lessons taught in the harshest of ways. Though the wounds no longer bleed,  my mind has become the knight to protect the walls of my heart.

I don’t come here often, but oddly seem to find comfort in being alone. My fear of the being hurt makes me awkward and reserved. How in the world can anyone move past such a crippling thing? Right, Right, Left. The movement of your feet, on pavement, with the right guidance and song, you can learn to dance. With time and patience, the dance becomes second nature, a part of you. That’s when you reach for the hand of a partner, smile, and take that step with confidence in your own feet.

14 June 2017 – Jack Daniel and Jesus

Listening to: “Mississippi” by The Secret Sisters

 

Jack Daniels and Jesus. One gets you through the day, one gets you to another. I have had many conversations with Jesus while Jack kept me company. I share my deepest secrets and my sins in hopes my soul will cleanse and I will wake up refreshed, anew. Handmade problems, man-made ideals and unrealistic perspectives, it’s no wonder Jack continues to be that always understanding friend.

Wandering through life, using the compass of Jack Sparrow, the definition of home morphs and you begin to wonder what it is you are truly searching for. It’s wanting to become a better person and yet staying in stagnant, muddy swamp, expecting clear, flowing waters. In those moments, it makes you wonder if it’s change you really seek, or just a mask to cover the true identity of your nature. We all find beauty in the darkness that comes with sin, if we didn’t, then we would never accept the invite to dance with the Devil. So seductive, so easy, an affair we crave. We marry an ideal of ourselves to please society and yet close the doors to ensue in the whirlwind of magic that becomes when we allow our horns to show.

It’s a continuous war we hold within ourselves, ideals vs reality. Jesus makes me come to terms with the wrongs in my life, the sins, trying to bring me to the light. Jack is that friend that sits in the dark, in silence and accepts you as just as you are.

13 June 2017 – Lost in San Antonio

 

Oh what I wouldn’t give in this very moment to just throw my hands up in the air, pack a bag, and go to a destination to anywhere. The city is not my home. It feels like a cage of standards, expectations and a 9-5 way of life. Concrete jungle of cold, man made things to make you believe that luxury is that of glass and high tagged items, it’s easy to get sucked into the soul killing game of wanting more. Life becomes so monotonous in the city. A never ending ground hog day. Same buildings, same roads, same traffic issues…..the list of sames is endless. It makes me feel like I am on autopilot and I can’t flip the switch to take control again. How can one be lost in the city you wonder? I lose myself. I lose the very fire in my soul. I live for the sunsets that paint the sky in such a way that even Monet and Picasso could never compare.  I love the darkest sky at night, where stars are endless and so are wishes. Air is filtered by the trees, and the breeze kisses your skin in such a way it could make any man jealous. Birds bring the tunes, the crickets bring the beat and it just makes my heart sync into the world around me. That is when I feel most alive. I observe so much more, and my list of wants and desires shrink to be the most simplest of things. The city is where you go to kill your dreams, your soul. We were never meant to live life as we do today. Maybe that is why depression affects more now then it ever has. We have never in the history of mankind been so connected, and yet so disconnected.

Is it easy to get lost in the city? Absolutely.

12 June 2017 -I’m not the Devil

Currently listening to: Cody Jinks ” I’m not the Devil”

Oh the things that repeat in our minds. Today, is one of those days, like the song is on repeat.  Truth is, this song is on repeat.  I have reflected on past relationships and man, there is one… and no one haunts me like him. You would think that it’s my Ex husband, but the reality it’s not. After a few beers, and too much time on my hands, this Casper continues to come and invade me in my waking thoughts and stays in my dreams.

Why in the world does this abandoned and decrepit wish continue to come to mind? I have tried to answer this question and I have yet been able to.  This song seems so appropriate. Things got so messed up, so misconstrued that all I can think about is the disaster it was. I was in a completely different place at the time, wasn’t quite ready. I thought that I was, and pushed through just to push my limits. I was an awkward mess of insecurities, past hurts and fresh wounds. All I hear are the words that he said, reminding me that I need to let go and wasn’t ready.

I miss him. He definitely served his purpose. I say that in the most loving way. Without the experience of that, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have grown and accomplished so much since then….maybe it’s me wanting a second chance. The reality is, that you can’t ever go back. Logically I know this, but my heart as wild as it is, wants nothing more than to have what it can’t. So silly. I miss his good mornings, I miss the song dedications, I miss the smiles. That is my reality. The lesson pops up yet again, LET GO.  I have so many opportunities, so much laughter waiting to happen, but I can’t not let this ghost haunt me into my future.  So this is my goodbye

Casper,

Thank you for all the lessons you brought to me. Thank you for cheering me on when I needed it most. I appreciate the smiles, your honesty. It’s because of you I began to really search for myself. As much as you have no idea the positive impact that you have had, I am glad we didn’t work out. Even though you haunt me, and at the time I wasn’t at my best, you pushed me to become a better person. No one says it better than Mr. Jinks, I’m not the Devil you think that I am. You walked into a weird chapter in my life. I don’t apologize for that, because let’s face it, I needed to go through that awkward phase. I wish you the best always, and hope that one day you are smiling and have all that you set out to accomplish. Maybe one day, we will have the opportunity to meet again, have a beer and laugh about how we broke each others hearts. Until then, stay safe and smile.

11 June 2017

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Sundays are Fun Days

Current Song Playing: Dancing Shoes by Green River Ordinance

Well, so much for the daily post! Life got a little crazy for a moment ;). In my absence, I have worked 240 hours, wrote over 6000 words, completed 4 major projects and managed to keep my sanity. Quite an accomplishment if I do say so myself.

So lets reflect, shall we :).

This past month has had it’s fair share of ups and downs…but let us focus on the positives for now. I have began riding again! Ahh.. the therapy that comes from mutual respect and trust is unsurpassable. It’s a great reminder as to why I do the daily grind. As a teenager  I rode almost everyday. It helped me through a very difficult time in my life (story for another day) and taught me responsibility and helped to develop the work ethic I have today. Nothing beats the smell of the ranch, NOTHING.

I hung out with a friend that I haven’t seen since walking the stage at graduation. It was weird to hang out again, seems like we are so different now and the puzzle piece no longer fits. Just to think that even just three short months ago, I couldn’t imagine my life without her, we are slowly becoming strangers. I think it’s due to her staying somewhat stagnant and I have continued to move onward. This tells me one thing, life is changing and I have shifted again. Change is on the horizon…that’s the point of self improvement, right?

I took sometime last night to look at my life over the course of this year, and it’s AMAZING the profound change. I had started a photo journal last year when everything was just a mess. I was still grieving my mothers death, my ended marriage, no money, no home, no family, just nothing. I needed something. I needed to get out and look at the world, even if the photos were cold and muted, I still got out. I will post the progression of the photos from the months, and you can see when I was starting to really heal and see the world differently. It’s amazing how depression really skews your view of the world. It’s actually sad looking back at those photos. It was a necessary journey, but a very lonely one.

This past month lesson I learned was to always go after what you want, because the time will pass anyway. Do something TODAY that your future self will thank you for. One of the projects due this week is a letter that I am to write to myself and will be given to us when we graduate. I am excited to read it when I prepare to walk the stage for a second time. I want to see if I accomplished what I set out to do, and to see the little surprises in store that I can not possible account for. This is the first time in a VERY long time, I am genuinely excited to see where I will be.

I always wonder, what is it that other people strive and work for. What makes others tick? What drives them? It’s always interesting to listen to others perspectives in life. What drives you? What makes you smile? What makes you keep going on when all you want to give up? These are the questions that just drives my curiosity. Well until next time, stay safe and stay you.

 

 

18 May 2017

Daily advice from the wise:

“Stop being stagnant and waiting for life

Don’t wait on the approval of others

Time is not your friend

Stop making plans. Be spontaneous and go on adventures

In the mix of being “lost” you end up finding yourself”.

This is something I now live by. I have, for the first time in a very long time, found myself.

On the open road, I have healed my spirit and have truly grasped who I am and what I want out of my life. Seems silly that driving with an amazing playlist could bring such profound change, but those 30+ hours with myself and no real destination in mind,  has helped me more than just sitting in an office “talking about it” ever has. Now, not to knock Doc, because a little guidance helps too.

The truth is, we all hold the key to fix ourselves because lets face it, we are the only ones that can. We know exactly what we need, it’s just finding it within ourselves to get it. Change happens constantly.

They say people don’t change, but I beg to differ. Life changes everyday. We grow older everyday, we gain experiences everyday. Some aren’t exactly life changing in the instant they happen, but they do mold and shape who we are. I am finding the key to happiness is being true to thy self. Yes, ancient old philosophy, but it’s stuck around for a reason. We all get caught up in the everyday and get caught up in these vicious cycles and routines. Maybe that is why we lose touch with ourselves and others.

Today, take a step back and look at something that makes you smile. My smiling moment today has been looking at airline tickets to fly back home to Wisconsin to attend a wedding of a dear friend and mentor. What is your reason?