12 June 2017 -I’m not the Devil

Currently listening to: Cody Jinks ” I’m not the Devil”

Oh the things that repeat in our minds. Today, is one of those days, like the song is on repeat.  Truth is, this song is on repeat.  I have reflected on past relationships and man, there is one… and no one haunts me like him. You would think that it’s my Ex husband, but the reality it’s not. After a few beers, and too much time on my hands, this Casper continues to come and invade me in my waking thoughts and stays in my dreams.

Why in the world does this abandoned and decrepit wish continue to come to mind? I have tried to answer this question and I have yet been able to.  This song seems so appropriate. Things got so messed up, so misconstrued that all I can think about is the disaster it was. I was in a completely different place at the time, wasn’t quite ready. I thought that I was, and pushed through just to push my limits. I was an awkward mess of insecurities, past hurts and fresh wounds. All I hear are the words that he said, reminding me that I need to let go and wasn’t ready.

I miss him. He definitely served his purpose. I say that in the most loving way. Without the experience of that, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have grown and accomplished so much since then….maybe it’s me wanting a second chance. The reality is, that you can’t ever go back. Logically I know this, but my heart as wild as it is, wants nothing more than to have what it can’t. So silly. I miss his good mornings, I miss the song dedications, I miss the smiles. That is my reality. The lesson pops up yet again, LET GO.  I have so many opportunities, so much laughter waiting to happen, but I can’t not let this ghost haunt me into my future.  So this is my goodbye

Casper,

Thank you for all the lessons you brought to me. Thank you for cheering me on when I needed it most. I appreciate the smiles, your honesty. It’s because of you I began to really search for myself. As much as you have no idea the positive impact that you have had, I am glad we didn’t work out. Even though you haunt me, and at the time I wasn’t at my best, you pushed me to become a better person. No one says it better than Mr. Jinks, I’m not the Devil you think that I am. You walked into a weird chapter in my life. I don’t apologize for that, because let’s face it, I needed to go through that awkward phase. I wish you the best always, and hope that one day you are smiling and have all that you set out to accomplish. Maybe one day, we will have the opportunity to meet again, have a beer and laugh about how we broke each others hearts. Until then, stay safe and smile.

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