Listening to Johnny Cash “God’s Gonna Cut You Down”
Hot Texas day, nothing like ending it with some Johnny and Jack.
I wish this wonderful journey of mine would come with a damn map. Yet again, at a crossroads, I am not sure which direction to go. I have been pulled, stretched so thin, I have no idea what it is up or down at this point. My career stuff is going really well… I just need to start making bigger waves. I am a little too content and I need to push myself more.
I realized that I haven’t written in a few days, nor am I writing the way I have traditionally, but today is just a day that I am everywhere and no where. I have had three days off from school and a day off from work and I find myself lost in the company of an old friend.
I am just frustrated mainly. I am frustrated with myself. Self reflection moment brings me not knowing who in the hell I am. I never used to drink, now I do…I never did a lot of things that I do now. What the hell. I used to be a home body and now I can’t sit still…. I have to constantly be going, doing something. I think it’s to take my mind off the loneliness of it all. I am lonely, and yet I am choosing to be. I am truly terrified of getting hurt again. I am terrified that I will be left standing, watching, as I am replaced. This divorce really fucked up my view on a lot of things with relationships. I have had two relationships since the split and man, that really didn’t help either. Why is this so difficult? Why in the hell am I so damn guarded? I haven’t had the best relationships with men throughout my life, I get that, but you can’t blame the whole world for a few bad apples. I want to get over this damn fear….this weight that holds me down. I need to learn to lighten up and not be so guarded. Hard to do since I have done it all my life. Maybe the next part of my journey is starting to let go of the hurt from my deep past, my childhood. Good thing I have Johnny and Jack to keep me company on this next part of the trip, cause it’s going to be a hell of a bumpy ride.