26 June 2017 – In My Heart’s a Memory

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“Whiskey and You” Chris Stapleton

This is my view….the past, the present. My wedding ring, given to me 13 years ago, and my late night friend. I never used to drink. I didn’t start drinking until November. I don’t drink a lot, nor do I drink everyday, but it seems like I sleep better after a good tune and a glass of Jack. He helps me feel what I need to, for what it is, with no words, no judgement. Once the song is over, the glass is empty, I lay my head down and look to God to get me to another day, another chance. Some days it’s hard to not feel like a complete disappointment. I have been a seasaw of emotions over the last year trying to deal with the death of my mother, my divorce, getting through school and my ex having my children full time. I lost a lot. I remember driving away, with my things in bags, crying a cry that only comes from a broken soul. I knew life in that moment would NEVER be the same again. I had no where to go, no family around. I cried for months, bargaining with God to have my marriage work, to let him love me again. Every rejection, every fuck you just broke me even more. All I had were the pictures of memories. I cried, wishing things would go back to the way they were.

Fast forward a year later, I look at those same pictures and see something completely different. I see a girl that loved a man that loved himself. I see fake smiles putting on a show, I see the sparkle gone in my eye. I see those moments now for what they really are, not the fantasy of a memory that never existed in the way I imagined. Amazing the lies we tell ourselves to justify being treated like shit. For the first time in a long time, I can say I saw my marriage for what it was. It’s the Allan Jackson song, “Remember When”, we just didn’t make it to the other side.

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