Broken Crayons and the Canvas of Life

We are all broken. Broken in ways we will never be the same.  Our lives become obstacles of walls we place to maze those through in means to protect ourselves. I am more guilty of this than most. The irony? Wanting a fairy-tale ending and yet being scared to take the risk.

I have had my walls begin to fall. There is one that has spoken to my very core in such a way that I can not drown out the sound of his voice. I find myself in my maze of walls and dark forests….following a sound that I can’t get out of my mind. Each turn I face the obstacles I have place to protect me, the thoughts that have controlled me. I am testing my armor. With each turn, I battle the thoughts that kept me confined and isolated. I have never wanted anything so much in my life….to be free from the fortress that I have spent endless hours for years building. Unlike most fairy-tales, where the knight saves the princess…..I am fighting. I am fighting for myself…I am fighting for him.

The weight of my chains make movement so incredibly difficult, but not impossible. I am learning how to fight…in a war I have never battled. Monsters surface, endurance tested, will proved. I am fighting because my heart has found it’s meaning, it’s love.

Broken crayons still color life’s canvas. I am broken, I am guarded, but I am fighting. I am fighting my demons to get to him. I am fighting for my fairy tale. He in all his broken crayons paint my life’s canvas with such beauty. His beautiful brokenness is my sunrise. Even his darkest colors are so incredibly beautiful, so real, you can feel it. It’s a midnight sky in the winter. Cold and crisp, where it stings your nose, a cold you can feel move through you,  but makes you feel as if you’re alive. I will take his winter midnight’s over a sunny beach day. The stars are endless, wishes countless, and silence around us. It’s he and I in a world in which we can create. Our colors compliment, and for the first time in so long, I see more than the rainbow, I see a spectrum of life.

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Wolves and Broken Arrows

I enjoy the darkness that night brings, the darkness that lives in us all. I have sat alone in the silence, in black emptiness that I have acclimated to, and have embraced. I have become the wolf.  Shadows of the past become one with the night, and what was, has now become what is. There is a beauty and mystery around the blackest of objects leaving my mind in endless wonder. Its easiest to enjoy beauty in the light. All that glimmers and gleams leaves the mind in delight, but I,  like the wolf, find the beauty in the things that seem dark, cold and misunderstood. What most fail to see, is those in the darkest times, those in the shadows, have more beauty within and can paint your life with more color than thoughts imagined. Arrows of love, family and aspiration all shot into the wildness of life, only to be broken by objects in its path.  They become elusive and become one with the darkness. I, like the wolf, am elusive, mysterious and can not be captured. You may catch glimpses of me, if you want to find me, then venture into my woods, let the darkness consume you, and show me your shadows.

New Beginnings

20170701_112319I have been absent yet again the last few. I have had lots on my mind and big decisions made. I am hoping this doesn’t backfire on me big time. I am making some pretty major changes in my life in hopes that things will finally settle down and I can get to where I want to go. It’s amazing how time changes everything and how 1 person can affect your life so much. I am finally coming to terms with what happened in May and it’s just shitty. Shitty that a person could do that to another. No matter how unfair it was, the reality remains. I can gladly say I have not had a single drop to drink in a week. As much as Jack has helped me to at least sleep those nights I couldn’t, I am past it now.

I have only done that two other times in my life, use alcohol as a means to deal: My grandfathers death, and when I was raped in the military. This time I didn’t drink like I had in the past, just enough to deal and pass out and sleep. I need to deal with it, and I have. Sad to say, “This isn’t the first time”.

Good news is, I am starting to get my fire back. I have things that I am looking forward to now other than just another day off to sleep. Work has become a ground hog day, school is about the same as always and my friends, well, are all in relationships leaving me the dust. Those are the moments that I realize how much it sucks to be single. Seems to be the hardest part at this moment. Third wheel syndrome I call it. Your friends wanna do things with their significant other, yet don’t want to make you feel not included. Disaster let me tell you.  Then it always turns into, “I know someone”…..oh boy, last time that happened, I had that boy haunt me for months. All I know is, the right one will come when I am ready and I’m FINALLY getting there. Time heals all and life is nothing more than perspective.

To close this little note, I am hoping the next time I write it will be filled with awesome, amazing news. Progress has been made and that I am grateful for.  I am so looking forward to this next step and where my journey will take me. Until then, smile, explore and always take the scenic route.

27 June 2017 – The Journey isn’t About the Destination

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Listening to:  Cody Johnson ” It’s Amazing”

Wounds, with time heal. With care, they begin to close. I am learning there is no time limit when it comes to this process, it’s on going. Rushing through will cause more damage. I have tried rushing this process. I have had that scab ripped off causing it to become a fresh wound yet again, increasing the size of my scar. I am accepting that it’s ok to cry, ok to mourn, until you are ready to move on.

I tried dating too soon. I wanted to fill the void. I wanted to feel wanted, needed. All it did was cause confusion, and created a deeper wound. Instead of finding my footing, I got the rug pulled out from under me. I now was feeding the monsters that already made me feel unwanted. Once I realized that all I was doing was avoiding, I backed off. I accepted. I accepted that I am hurting, that as uncomfortable as it is, it’s a very necessary process. I started writing, holding myself accountable, even if no one reads this, I have to get this out. These are the thoughts I hold in around others. Maybe out of fear, out of judgement, but they are felt non the less.  That’s the entire point of this, is to say it. To give those thoughts a chance to be felt, and validated.

I have driven 600 miles the last 2 days. 600 miles of me getting into myself, and getting to the very core of me. I have taken the most amazing photos.

I have found the beauty in them all. Nature, like us, has many different faces, moods. One areas rains, and others, there are colors so vivid, bright. Hard to believe that 100 miles difference the sunset for one looks completely different than the sunset of another. Like life, one day is not like any other, and not everyone sees the same skies. Nature has taught me a lot, the open road is helping me to accept the journey. The journey is not about the destination, it’s everything in between that gives meaning, purpose.

26 June 2017 – In My Heart’s a Memory

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“Whiskey and You” Chris Stapleton

This is my view….the past, the present. My wedding ring, given to me 13 years ago, and my late night friend. I never used to drink. I didn’t start drinking until November. I don’t drink a lot, nor do I drink everyday, but it seems like I sleep better after a good tune and a glass of Jack. He helps me feel what I need to, for what it is, with no words, no judgement. Once the song is over, the glass is empty, I lay my head down and look to God to get me to another day, another chance. Some days it’s hard to not feel like a complete disappointment. I have been a seasaw of emotions over the last year trying to deal with the death of my mother, my divorce, getting through school and my ex having my children full time. I lost a lot. I remember driving away, with my things in bags, crying a cry that only comes from a broken soul. I knew life in that moment would NEVER be the same again. I had no where to go, no family around. I cried for months, bargaining with God to have my marriage work, to let him love me again. Every rejection, every fuck you just broke me even more. All I had were the pictures of memories. I cried, wishing things would go back to the way they were.

Fast forward a year later, I look at those same pictures and see something completely different. I see a girl that loved a man that loved himself. I see fake smiles putting on a show, I see the sparkle gone in my eye. I see those moments now for what they really are, not the fantasy of a memory that never existed in the way I imagined. Amazing the lies we tell ourselves to justify being treated like shit. For the first time in a long time, I can say I saw my marriage for what it was. It’s the Allan Jackson song, “Remember When”, we just didn’t make it to the other side.

22 June 2017 Johnny Cash and Whiskey Breath

Listening to Johnny Cash “God’s Gonna Cut You Down”

Hot Texas day, nothing like ending it with some Johnny and Jack.

I wish this wonderful journey of mine would come with a damn map. Yet again, at a crossroads, I am not sure which direction to go. I have been pulled, stretched so thin, I have no idea what it is up or down at this point. My career stuff is going really well… I just need to start making bigger waves. I am a little too content and I need to push myself more.

I realized that I haven’t written in a few days, nor am I writing the way I have traditionally, but today is just a day that I am everywhere and no where. I have had three days off from school and a day off from work and I find myself lost in the company of an old friend.

I am just frustrated mainly. I am frustrated with myself. Self reflection moment brings me not knowing who in the hell I am. I never used to drink, now I do…I never did a lot of things that I do now. What the hell. I used to be a home body and now I can’t sit still…. I have to constantly be going, doing something. I think it’s to take my mind off the loneliness of it all. I am lonely, and yet I am choosing to be. I am truly terrified of getting hurt again. I am terrified that I will be left standing, watching, as I am replaced. This divorce really fucked up my view on a lot of things with relationships. I have had two relationships since the split and man, that really didn’t help either. Why is this so difficult? Why in the hell am I so damn guarded? I haven’t had the best relationships with men throughout my life, I get that, but you can’t blame the whole world for a few bad apples. I want to get over this damn fear….this weight that holds me down. I need to learn to lighten up and not be so guarded. Hard to do since I have done it all my life. Maybe the next part of my journey is starting to let go of the hurt from my deep past, my childhood.  Good thing I have Johnny and Jack to keep me company on this next part of the trip, cause it’s going to be a hell of a bumpy ride.

 

19 June 2017- an Bogha Báistí

Listening to Eurielle “Carry Me”

Dispersion of light, from the heaviest of storms, produces the most vibrant colors against the darkest of grays. The treasures that lie at the end of this rainbow make you rich in life, not gold.

Storms cleanse and refresh. Though unpleasant, it’s necessary that we go through them. How else can you dance in the rain? I always looked at rainbows as a peace offering, as a smile from God to say there is still beauty in the darkest of times.

My life has had it’s fair share of storms. It’s hell going through it all but, once the sun is out, you look back, and the colors that paint the sky give a sense of accomplishment. If it weren’t for the storms, we wouldn’t grow, we wouldn’t change. My perspective matures. Kind words grow during frustrations, tears result in strength, a broken heart brings comfort to the world. It’s in these times that defines us. We show the world that we are one of two kinds, Victors or Victims. Victors push through, no matter how hard it gets, to get to where they want to go. They will continue until it’s accomplished. Victims give up,  excuse,  and become the villain of their own story.
I have chosen to be a victor. I am a survivor. I will continue forward and will only look back to admire the rainbow and smile upon my victory.

 

18 June 2017- Maro

I have a date today.  Unfamiliar and terrifying, bold lips mask the unsure, resistant part of me hoping to boost confidence. Who is this date? Maro.

It’s time to go home, time to face the music. Why is this so terrifying? I am facing the person that I damaged, the person who’s heart I broke. Maro looked to me to love, cherish and keep them safe. I am the one who stood idle while others attacked, I walked away when they needed me most. I had affairs with others who said the words I wanted to hear. I have said unkind words, lost faith in, and completely blew off responsibilities.  I know nothing about the person I am trying to rekindle a relationship with. I know only the glimpses of what they chose to share. I’m hoping to see all of them, the monsters, scars, pain, joy, and the fire. I know this time around, I will appreciate Maro for who they are.  Maro is the only love I have ever needed. I have searched miles far and wide for the love that needed to happen in the mirror. Amazing how uncomfortable it is to look into the eyes of the person you tore down for so many years. I hope, after today, Maro and I can have good conversation, forgive each other and fall asleep with hopes of when we see each other in the morning, we can look at each other and smile.

(Maro is Japanese for myself).

17 June 2017 – Sailboats and No Wind

Oceans wide and deep have nothing in comparison to the depths of pain in my soul. Einstein states that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting different results….so what’s the point of it all? It’s an endless game, different opponents, with the exact same results. Little by little you get torn apart, closed in, and broken just a bit more. Bitterness replaces butterflies and we cage in the very thing that gives absolute meaning to everything. Loneliness crawls into your bed, and leaves you a cold reality. Thunderstorms of tears flood the pillow of dreams and desires. Investments with no real gain, the mind plays parent to the heart that lacks insight. Confused, rejected, you’ve become a sailboat stuck with no wind. You began a journey to a destination that has no direction, no place on a map. Ashes from previous lives scatter everywhere, while you stand nowhere. Homeless, you search for a place that feels familiar….has meaning. Maybe the curse in life is to have a mind that doesn’t trust the heart. Leading my soul in the war of finding me, it becomes empty conquests. Battered, bruised, broken. The heart has a cage for a reason….for as beautiful as it is…the romance with hope as become a toxic relationship of shattered souls.

16 June 2017 – Boots in a Bar

Cigar in one hand, Jack in the other, steel toes and Miss Me….I was just a pair of boots in a bar. Closed off and cold, I sat at a table and observed the workings of relationships, toasts for celebrations and laughs between friends. I realized then, how much I close myself off from the world at times. It has become my dark paradise.

Fear and doubt have taken seats next to me. Fear tells me that everyone leaves, doubt says their words are lies. As I listen, looking at the scars upon my heart, I am reminded of the lessons taught in the harshest of ways. Though the wounds no longer bleed,  my mind has become the knight to protect the walls of my heart.

I don’t come here often, but oddly seem to find comfort in being alone. My fear of the being hurt makes me awkward and reserved. How in the world can anyone move past such a crippling thing? Right, Right, Left. The movement of your feet, on pavement, with the right guidance and song, you can learn to dance. With time and patience, the dance becomes second nature, a part of you. That’s when you reach for the hand of a partner, smile, and take that step with confidence in your own feet.