Vivre

To live. That is exactly what I intend to do. These last few months have been some of the hardest in quite awhile. I am at a place of just being done. Done with the heartache, the bullshit, the sleepless nights, the baggage that won’t leave me.

I went for a drive last night, and out of habit went to Casper’s.  We just sat there…beers were to be had and memories of what were crossed our lips as we smiled at the love that existed between us. I have missed him. Sitting there, in the chair across from him, he has changed….as have I. His eyes still have the warmth to them….still have the look as if I am the only one in the world. I wonder what went through his mind when I sat across from him. 

 I was no longer the wounded girl I was when we first met.  I have more fire and life to me than I did,  and he saw the spark in my eyes. For the first time,  I was able to tell him thank you…. He did more for me than even I knew until that moment.  As we talked about our lives, we connected again…. The smiles shared, the laughs were my most genuine for sometime.  He always has a way to make me realize sometimes life just is…. And you have to let go to let it happen in the way it was intended.  As the hours continued to pass,  my fondness for him grew.  He said it was like meeting me for the first time,  and he wished he did sooner.  Makes me sad somewhat,  that he met ME now and not sooner…but because of him I began to let go. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to be where I am today without his honesty.  

As our visit came to a close,  I hugged him like I’ve never hugged anyone… A thank you…. My final goodbye.  As I walked away, I turned back, he smiled a smile I will never forget. He will continue on his path,  as I will mine,  but will never forget the lesson he taught me…. Let it go… Let it be. 

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Loving the Moon

Consumed and damned….I fell hopelessly in love with the Moon. Sunsets allow the sun to sleep, and allow me the chance to catch a glimpse of the one thing so beautiful, yet so far away. Why don’t I love the sun? Why couldn’t I fall in love with the sunrise? The sunset? Oh, but that would be far to easy.

My moon leaves me in endless wonder. My eyes look up and take in the glimmer of stars…as if looking at a living set of souls smiling upon me. I bask in the glow of a midnight summer.

Ian is my moon. Even on the dark days, he brings a beautiful light to my life…my silver sun. He consumes me in such a way that even love stories would be jealous. My soul screams for him….needs him in a way that I could never verbally say. Why am I so complicated? I miss him and yet I can’t say it….I trust him and yet I won’t open my mouth to make myself vulnerable….I won’t go see him because I already know the moment I see him…tears will flow from the overwhelming feelings that would consume me. A love so real and so deep, no words can describe it. He is in my everyday.. my motivation.. the smile I wear. Even as days pass…  words few and far between, he is never far in my mind. Why am I so terrified?

I….am an awkward mess of insecurities. He deserves so much better than I can offer right now. I have been in intense counseling now for a month to help me get over the shit I endured…my trauma. I am learning to let go…..to just feel…forgive… and free myself from the weight of the past. I know that is the reason I won’t go…I don’t want him to see me the way that I see myself.

Manquant de moi

Shattered….broken. The very thing that I was fighting for left me on the battle field to die alone. My demons won. I lie here in defeat. Tears flow uncontrollably as my soul bleeds through my eyes. I watch the very thing I love, walk away and blend into the darkness that is slowly creeping in.

All the stars fell from my sky today and my armor has failed me. Maybe I should have retreated, maybe I should have listened….but he is the very thing that made my heart beat in such a way it became the rhythm of my life. His voice soothes me in a way nothing can and his love is an addiction I could never recover from. How can you live in darkness when you have seen the beauty of the stars? He walked in and changed me in a way I never thought was possible. Now it’s just before and after. How can life be so fucking cruel….make you fall hopelessly in love and take it from you? How can life show you such beauty and place you back in darkness? Back into the empty shell…the cold fortress that I built. I will never be the same again.

I let him win..my ex. I let what he did interfere with my now. How in the world could I be so stupid to let the very thing I love go over past hurts? I didn’t want to get hurt…I didn’t want to be made a fool like I had been in the past…I didn’t want to find out that the one I love has eyes for another. I got jealous. I actually got jealous. I can not believe I let my emotional side take over. What hurts, is realizing that my fuck up will never be forgiven, that my love is thrown to the side and easily replaced with a swipe right. My heart finally realizes that it’s scars will always be rejected. Back into the cage it goes….back into the dark, cold fortress. Time to rebuild the walls that I tore down…..time to board the windows that allowed the light in…..time to be the lone wolf I was always meant to be.

 

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Broken Crayons and the Canvas of Life

We are all broken. Broken in ways we will never be the same.  Our lives become obstacles of walls we place to maze those through in means to protect ourselves. I am more guilty of this than most. The irony? Wanting a fairy-tale ending and yet being scared to take the risk.

I have had my walls begin to fall. There is one that has spoken to my very core in such a way that I can not drown out the sound of his voice. I find myself in my maze of walls and dark forests….following a sound that I can’t get out of my mind. Each turn I face the obstacles I have place to protect me, the thoughts that have controlled me. I am testing my armor. With each turn, I battle the thoughts that kept me confined and isolated. I have never wanted anything so much in my life….to be free from the fortress that I have spent endless hours for years building. Unlike most fairy-tales, where the knight saves the princess…..I am fighting. I am fighting for myself…I am fighting for him.

The weight of my chains make movement so incredibly difficult, but not impossible. I am learning how to fight…in a war I have never battled. Monsters surface, endurance tested, will proved. I am fighting because my heart has found it’s meaning, it’s love.

Broken crayons still color life’s canvas. I am broken, I am guarded, but I am fighting. I am fighting my demons to get to him. I am fighting for my fairy tale. He in all his broken crayons paint my life’s canvas with such beauty. His beautiful brokenness is my sunrise. Even his darkest colors are so incredibly beautiful, so real, you can feel it. It’s a midnight sky in the winter. Cold and crisp, where it stings your nose, a cold you can feel move through you,  but makes you feel as if you’re alive. I will take his winter midnight’s over a sunny beach day. The stars are endless, wishes countless, and silence around us. It’s he and I in a world in which we can create. Our colors compliment, and for the first time in so long, I see more than the rainbow, I see a spectrum of life.

Wolves and Broken Arrows

I enjoy the darkness that night brings, the darkness that lives in us all. I have sat alone in the silence, in black emptiness that I have acclimated to, and have embraced. I have become the wolf.  Shadows of the past become one with the night, and what was, has now become what is. There is a beauty and mystery around the blackest of objects leaving my mind in endless wonder. Its easiest to enjoy beauty in the light. All that glimmers and gleams leaves the mind in delight, but I,  like the wolf, find the beauty in the things that seem dark, cold and misunderstood. What most fail to see, is those in the darkest times, those in the shadows, have more beauty within and can paint your life with more color than thoughts imagined. Arrows of love, family and aspiration all shot into the wildness of life, only to be broken by objects in its path.  They become elusive and become one with the darkness. I, like the wolf, am elusive, mysterious and can not be captured. You may catch glimpses of me, if you want to find me, then venture into my woods, let the darkness consume you, and show me your shadows.

New Beginnings

20170701_112319I have been absent yet again the last few. I have had lots on my mind and big decisions made. I am hoping this doesn’t backfire on me big time. I am making some pretty major changes in my life in hopes that things will finally settle down and I can get to where I want to go. It’s amazing how time changes everything and how 1 person can affect your life so much. I am finally coming to terms with what happened in May and it’s just shitty. Shitty that a person could do that to another. No matter how unfair it was, the reality remains. I can gladly say I have not had a single drop to drink in a week. As much as Jack has helped me to at least sleep those nights I couldn’t, I am past it now.

I have only done that two other times in my life, use alcohol as a means to deal: My grandfathers death, and when I was raped in the military. This time I didn’t drink like I had in the past, just enough to deal and pass out and sleep. I need to deal with it, and I have. Sad to say, “This isn’t the first time”.

Good news is, I am starting to get my fire back. I have things that I am looking forward to now other than just another day off to sleep. Work has become a ground hog day, school is about the same as always and my friends, well, are all in relationships leaving me the dust. Those are the moments that I realize how much it sucks to be single. Seems to be the hardest part at this moment. Third wheel syndrome I call it. Your friends wanna do things with their significant other, yet don’t want to make you feel not included. Disaster let me tell you.  Then it always turns into, “I know someone”…..oh boy, last time that happened, I had that boy haunt me for months. All I know is, the right one will come when I am ready and I’m FINALLY getting there. Time heals all and life is nothing more than perspective.

To close this little note, I am hoping the next time I write it will be filled with awesome, amazing news. Progress has been made and that I am grateful for.  I am so looking forward to this next step and where my journey will take me. Until then, smile, explore and always take the scenic route.

27 June 2017 – The Journey isn’t About the Destination

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Listening to:  Cody Johnson ” It’s Amazing”

Wounds, with time heal. With care, they begin to close. I am learning there is no time limit when it comes to this process, it’s on going. Rushing through will cause more damage. I have tried rushing this process. I have had that scab ripped off causing it to become a fresh wound yet again, increasing the size of my scar. I am accepting that it’s ok to cry, ok to mourn, until you are ready to move on.

I tried dating too soon. I wanted to fill the void. I wanted to feel wanted, needed. All it did was cause confusion, and created a deeper wound. Instead of finding my footing, I got the rug pulled out from under me. I now was feeding the monsters that already made me feel unwanted. Once I realized that all I was doing was avoiding, I backed off. I accepted. I accepted that I am hurting, that as uncomfortable as it is, it’s a very necessary process. I started writing, holding myself accountable, even if no one reads this, I have to get this out. These are the thoughts I hold in around others. Maybe out of fear, out of judgement, but they are felt non the less.  That’s the entire point of this, is to say it. To give those thoughts a chance to be felt, and validated.

I have driven 600 miles the last 2 days. 600 miles of me getting into myself, and getting to the very core of me. I have taken the most amazing photos.

I have found the beauty in them all. Nature, like us, has many different faces, moods. One areas rains, and others, there are colors so vivid, bright. Hard to believe that 100 miles difference the sunset for one looks completely different than the sunset of another. Like life, one day is not like any other, and not everyone sees the same skies. Nature has taught me a lot, the open road is helping me to accept the journey. The journey is not about the destination, it’s everything in between that gives meaning, purpose.

26 June 2017 – In My Heart’s a Memory

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“Whiskey and You” Chris Stapleton

This is my view….the past, the present. My wedding ring, given to me 13 years ago, and my late night friend. I never used to drink. I didn’t start drinking until November. I don’t drink a lot, nor do I drink everyday, but it seems like I sleep better after a good tune and a glass of Jack. He helps me feel what I need to, for what it is, with no words, no judgement. Once the song is over, the glass is empty, I lay my head down and look to God to get me to another day, another chance. Some days it’s hard to not feel like a complete disappointment. I have been a seasaw of emotions over the last year trying to deal with the death of my mother, my divorce, getting through school and my ex having my children full time. I lost a lot. I remember driving away, with my things in bags, crying a cry that only comes from a broken soul. I knew life in that moment would NEVER be the same again. I had no where to go, no family around. I cried for months, bargaining with God to have my marriage work, to let him love me again. Every rejection, every fuck you just broke me even more. All I had were the pictures of memories. I cried, wishing things would go back to the way they were.

Fast forward a year later, I look at those same pictures and see something completely different. I see a girl that loved a man that loved himself. I see fake smiles putting on a show, I see the sparkle gone in my eye. I see those moments now for what they really are, not the fantasy of a memory that never existed in the way I imagined. Amazing the lies we tell ourselves to justify being treated like shit. For the first time in a long time, I can say I saw my marriage for what it was. It’s the Allan Jackson song, “Remember When”, we just didn’t make it to the other side.

22 June 2017 Johnny Cash and Whiskey Breath

Listening to Johnny Cash “God’s Gonna Cut You Down”

Hot Texas day, nothing like ending it with some Johnny and Jack.

I wish this wonderful journey of mine would come with a damn map. Yet again, at a crossroads, I am not sure which direction to go. I have been pulled, stretched so thin, I have no idea what it is up or down at this point. My career stuff is going really well… I just need to start making bigger waves. I am a little too content and I need to push myself more.

I realized that I haven’t written in a few days, nor am I writing the way I have traditionally, but today is just a day that I am everywhere and no where. I have had three days off from school and a day off from work and I find myself lost in the company of an old friend.

I am just frustrated mainly. I am frustrated with myself. Self reflection moment brings me not knowing who in the hell I am. I never used to drink, now I do…I never did a lot of things that I do now. What the hell. I used to be a home body and now I can’t sit still…. I have to constantly be going, doing something. I think it’s to take my mind off the loneliness of it all. I am lonely, and yet I am choosing to be. I am truly terrified of getting hurt again. I am terrified that I will be left standing, watching, as I am replaced. This divorce really fucked up my view on a lot of things with relationships. I have had two relationships since the split and man, that really didn’t help either. Why is this so difficult? Why in the hell am I so damn guarded? I haven’t had the best relationships with men throughout my life, I get that, but you can’t blame the whole world for a few bad apples. I want to get over this damn fear….this weight that holds me down. I need to learn to lighten up and not be so guarded. Hard to do since I have done it all my life. Maybe the next part of my journey is starting to let go of the hurt from my deep past, my childhood.  Good thing I have Johnny and Jack to keep me company on this next part of the trip, cause it’s going to be a hell of a bumpy ride.