14 June 2017 – Jack Daniel and Jesus

Listening to: “Mississippi” by The Secret Sisters

 

Jack Daniels and Jesus. One gets you through the day, one gets you to another. I have had many conversations with Jesus while Jack kept me company. I share my deepest secrets and my sins in hopes my soul will cleanse and I will wake up refreshed, anew. Handmade problems, man-made ideals and unrealistic perspectives, it’s no wonder Jack continues to be that always understanding friend.

Wandering through life, using the compass of Jack Sparrow, the definition of home morphs and you begin to wonder what it is you are truly searching for. It’s wanting to become a better person and yet staying in stagnant, muddy swamp, expecting clear, flowing waters. In those moments, it makes you wonder if it’s change you really seek, or just a mask to cover the true identity of your nature. We all find beauty in the darkness that comes with sin, if we didn’t, then we would never accept the invite to dance with the Devil. So seductive, so easy, an affair we crave. We marry an ideal of ourselves to please society and yet close the doors to ensue in the whirlwind of magic that becomes when we allow our horns to show.

It’s a continuous war we hold within ourselves, ideals vs reality. Jesus makes me come to terms with the wrongs in my life, the sins, trying to bring me to the light. Jack is that friend that sits in the dark, in silence and accepts you as just as you are.

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13 June 2017 – Lost in San Antonio

 

Oh what I wouldn’t give in this very moment to just throw my hands up in the air, pack a bag, and go to a destination to anywhere. The city is not my home. It feels like a cage of standards, expectations and a 9-5 way of life. Concrete jungle of cold, man made things to make you believe that luxury is that of glass and high tagged items, it’s easy to get sucked into the soul killing game of wanting more. Life becomes so monotonous in the city. A never ending ground hog day. Same buildings, same roads, same traffic issues…..the list of sames is endless. It makes me feel like I am on autopilot and I can’t flip the switch to take control again. How can one be lost in the city you wonder? I lose myself. I lose the very fire in my soul. I live for the sunsets that paint the sky in such a way that even Monet and Picasso could never compare.  I love the darkest sky at night, where stars are endless and so are wishes. Air is filtered by the trees, and the breeze kisses your skin in such a way it could make any man jealous. Birds bring the tunes, the crickets bring the beat and it just makes my heart sync into the world around me. That is when I feel most alive. I observe so much more, and my list of wants and desires shrink to be the most simplest of things. The city is where you go to kill your dreams, your soul. We were never meant to live life as we do today. Maybe that is why depression affects more now then it ever has. We have never in the history of mankind been so connected, and yet so disconnected.

Is it easy to get lost in the city? Absolutely.

12 June 2017 -I’m not the Devil

Currently listening to: Cody Jinks ” I’m not the Devil”

Oh the things that repeat in our minds. Today, is one of those days, like the song is on repeat.  Truth is, this song is on repeat.  I have reflected on past relationships and man, there is one… and no one haunts me like him. You would think that it’s my Ex husband, but the reality it’s not. After a few beers, and too much time on my hands, this Casper continues to come and invade me in my waking thoughts and stays in my dreams.

Why in the world does this abandoned and decrepit wish continue to come to mind? I have tried to answer this question and I have yet been able to.  This song seems so appropriate. Things got so messed up, so misconstrued that all I can think about is the disaster it was. I was in a completely different place at the time, wasn’t quite ready. I thought that I was, and pushed through just to push my limits. I was an awkward mess of insecurities, past hurts and fresh wounds. All I hear are the words that he said, reminding me that I need to let go and wasn’t ready.

I miss him. He definitely served his purpose. I say that in the most loving way. Without the experience of that, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have grown and accomplished so much since then….maybe it’s me wanting a second chance. The reality is, that you can’t ever go back. Logically I know this, but my heart as wild as it is, wants nothing more than to have what it can’t. So silly. I miss his good mornings, I miss the song dedications, I miss the smiles. That is my reality. The lesson pops up yet again, LET GO.  I have so many opportunities, so much laughter waiting to happen, but I can’t not let this ghost haunt me into my future.  So this is my goodbye

Casper,

Thank you for all the lessons you brought to me. Thank you for cheering me on when I needed it most. I appreciate the smiles, your honesty. It’s because of you I began to really search for myself. As much as you have no idea the positive impact that you have had, I am glad we didn’t work out. Even though you haunt me, and at the time I wasn’t at my best, you pushed me to become a better person. No one says it better than Mr. Jinks, I’m not the Devil you think that I am. You walked into a weird chapter in my life. I don’t apologize for that, because let’s face it, I needed to go through that awkward phase. I wish you the best always, and hope that one day you are smiling and have all that you set out to accomplish. Maybe one day, we will have the opportunity to meet again, have a beer and laugh about how we broke each others hearts. Until then, stay safe and smile.

11 June 2017

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Sundays are Fun Days

Current Song Playing: Dancing Shoes by Green River Ordinance

Well, so much for the daily post! Life got a little crazy for a moment ;). In my absence, I have worked 240 hours, wrote over 6000 words, completed 4 major projects and managed to keep my sanity. Quite an accomplishment if I do say so myself.

So lets reflect, shall we :).

This past month has had it’s fair share of ups and downs…but let us focus on the positives for now. I have began riding again! Ahh.. the therapy that comes from mutual respect and trust is unsurpassable. It’s a great reminder as to why I do the daily grind. As a teenager  I rode almost everyday. It helped me through a very difficult time in my life (story for another day) and taught me responsibility and helped to develop the work ethic I have today. Nothing beats the smell of the ranch, NOTHING.

I hung out with a friend that I haven’t seen since walking the stage at graduation. It was weird to hang out again, seems like we are so different now and the puzzle piece no longer fits. Just to think that even just three short months ago, I couldn’t imagine my life without her, we are slowly becoming strangers. I think it’s due to her staying somewhat stagnant and I have continued to move onward. This tells me one thing, life is changing and I have shifted again. Change is on the horizon…that’s the point of self improvement, right?

I took sometime last night to look at my life over the course of this year, and it’s AMAZING the profound change. I had started a photo journal last year when everything was just a mess. I was still grieving my mothers death, my ended marriage, no money, no home, no family, just nothing. I needed something. I needed to get out and look at the world, even if the photos were cold and muted, I still got out. I will post the progression of the photos from the months, and you can see when I was starting to really heal and see the world differently. It’s amazing how depression really skews your view of the world. It’s actually sad looking back at those photos. It was a necessary journey, but a very lonely one.

This past month lesson I learned was to always go after what you want, because the time will pass anyway. Do something TODAY that your future self will thank you for. One of the projects due this week is a letter that I am to write to myself and will be given to us when we graduate. I am excited to read it when I prepare to walk the stage for a second time. I want to see if I accomplished what I set out to do, and to see the little surprises in store that I can not possible account for. This is the first time in a VERY long time, I am genuinely excited to see where I will be.

I always wonder, what is it that other people strive and work for. What makes others tick? What drives them? It’s always interesting to listen to others perspectives in life. What drives you? What makes you smile? What makes you keep going on when all you want to give up? These are the questions that just drives my curiosity. Well until next time, stay safe and stay you.

 

 

First Post

This will be my daily blog…..to reflect and review my process of moving on and finding myself after divorce. I hope during my process I can help those going through this themselves. If nothing more, it will help me reflect and gauge where I have been and how far I’ve come.

18 May 2017

Daily advice from the wise:

“Stop being stagnant and waiting for life

Don’t wait on the approval of others

Time is not your friend

Stop making plans. Be spontaneous and go on adventures

In the mix of being “lost” you end up finding yourself”.

This is something I now live by. I have, for the first time in a very long time, found myself.

On the open road, I have healed my spirit and have truly grasped who I am and what I want out of my life. Seems silly that driving with an amazing playlist could bring such profound change, but those 30+ hours with myself and no real destination in mind,  has helped me more than just sitting in an office “talking about it” ever has. Now, not to knock Doc, because a little guidance helps too.

The truth is, we all hold the key to fix ourselves because lets face it, we are the only ones that can. We know exactly what we need, it’s just finding it within ourselves to get it. Change happens constantly.

They say people don’t change, but I beg to differ. Life changes everyday. We grow older everyday, we gain experiences everyday. Some aren’t exactly life changing in the instant they happen, but they do mold and shape who we are. I am finding the key to happiness is being true to thy self. Yes, ancient old philosophy, but it’s stuck around for a reason. We all get caught up in the everyday and get caught up in these vicious cycles and routines. Maybe that is why we lose touch with ourselves and others.

Today, take a step back and look at something that makes you smile. My smiling moment today has been looking at airline tickets to fly back home to Wisconsin to attend a wedding of a dear friend and mentor. What is your reason?